Sometimes, life happens, and its going to hurt.

Yeah. Back again.

I'm hurting.

Because, well, the girl I'm with, lets go with calling her M. The girl I'm with, M, I've talked about her in my past posts. I don't know how to deal with her still. She make me the happiest person on earth sometimes.

..And then, I just, she...I, well, right now, I feel like dieing. And I'd gladly accept it. Its 4 in the morning here, haven't gotten to sleep yet, need to finish some assignments, and I've been drinking.

I...

I love you.


But then again. You make me want to die sometimes, so...

I know that we talked about our relationship.

I KNOW we did. I stayed up for 40 hours thinking about it.

You made it clear that we weren't together. You made it obvious, actually.

And you know what you insist on doing. YOU BREAK MY HEART. YOU PLAY THESE GAMES WITH ME, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I'm not ashamed to say it, because its true, but I'm a virgin. Before her, I never really took interest in women. That's a lie. I've been interested, but not to the level I am with her. And I don't think I'm attracted to guys. (never been attracted to any guys yet, but it may happen in the future).

So yeah. I know its life. And it hurts. and I need to get over it, but I don't know how. And the main person I can talk to about these things...well, lets just say because I can't keep my mouth shut, We aren't on speaking terms.

How do normal people deal with this?

Ugh.

One thing I've learned. I should not eat hot dogs while watching bones, especially when they show a dead body. Because A) Hot dogs make me extremely nauseous and B) While by itself ineffective, the image of a dead, decomposing body in addition to eating a hot dog is enough to make me puke my guts out.

You know how...you spend hours on the phone talking to one person. Yeah, I've just experienced that

Yeah. It happened at 12 AM. It was the best night of my life.

I think, that I should give up on the girl, because, to me, I don't think that I will ever be good enough to ever be with her.

But she phoned me at 12 AM. We spent the next 2.5 hours talking. I had to phone her twice because the phone kept dieing on us, and I wanted to continue talking to her. Not to mention, that she kept talking, until we fell asleep.

She insisted that she phoned me so that she could sleep, though I don't know how she could have accomplished that, I kept making her laugh.

But the other problem is, is that she "says" she has a boyfriend. That's my fault, that she may be seeing this other guy. See, she mentioned that someone asked her out, and I told her to go for it. I'm actually kinda amazed she asked for my advice on it. Either she was asking because she wanted to stab me in the balls, and call me a coward, or she was oblivious to my affections. I vote the latter, since I made it pretty clear how I felt about her. Anyways, I don't know whether it's true or not, seeing as I've never seen or talked to the guy. Though I wish I have (so I can rip his eyes out...) but enough of the crazy type.

I just wanted to get it out of my brain about how she makes me think. And do stuff. Did I mentioned that I sung to her? Yes, I sang to her. I sang a horrible, off key rendition of "Don't Stop me Now" by Queen. Yes I'm to Queen, I don't care.

She's the only girl that I felt this way about. It doesn't help that she is so confusing. Or am I making it confusing. It also doesn't help that I don't know how I should deal with her. I mean, we txt almost daily. I text her even more than my cousin, who will be reading this in the future. (pst, I'm sorry). At the same time, I can't focus on relationships, because...my life is a mess. I can't support myself, I'm still in school, and I have a ton of personal issues that I have to deal with before I feel that I am ready for her. It would be wrong of me to ask her to wait for me to get my life in order, which was I advised her to go out with the guy (WORST. ADVICE. EVER.), a guy who may care for her just as much (not likely), or more, (more like never) than me.

Now, I'm going to go wait by my phone and wait for her text.

...I may touch on this later tonight, if not, I will for sure be talking about her soon.