Its time...

I don't know if I want to do what you asked me, ML. I will though.

I'll find another girl for me for you.

I want you to know, that I will always care for you. You will always be my friend, regardless of whatever happens in the future.

SO.

I have no clue how to ask out a girl...any suggestions?

This has been a long time coming.

You know why I'm such a pussy shit? Because I don't wanna lose the things I have.

I'm not like most people. I don't think You FUCKING understand that yet. I'm not like most people. I don't know how to interact with people. I've tried, and it always fails. I just try to stay quiet and keep to myself as a result.

I don't think like most people. I can't. I've tried. I've been called stupid enough times to do that.

I want to think like everyone else so bad. You know why? So I can stop hating everything in my life. I hate my family, because they hate each other, over what I think is stupid things. I hate my friends, who only know how to insult me, and never let me explain my reasoning.

I want to be normal. I'm not normal. I don't think normally. I don't. I really don't. You don't understand, and trust me, when I say this, every God damn person in my life won't understand.

You know what my father always asks me? "Why don't you think?" "Why don't you use your common sense?" Fuck you. I know how to think. I DO use common sense. I just don't think like you or most people. I don't have common sense like common sense. You always compare me to C, but don't you realize that I can't be like him? no matter how hard I wanna be like that, I can't.

Maybe its the liquor talking. I don't think it is. This always floats in my mind, when people call me a failure. When people call me stupid.

I deserve to be called stupid sometimes. Because I do stupid shit. And I don't mean to, but I sometimes call people stupid.

I know I'm weird. for fuck sakes, I look at a girls neck, and think "She really is cute." That's not fucking normal. I don't look at a girls chest. I actually force myself to, just to see the point of it. I don't understand WHY.

And I have a couple of things to say to people...mostly to girls...here goes...

E, your a good friend. I care for you. I don't want my past feelings for you to make shit awkward. I know they will. That is why, I won't listen to anything VMM has to say. Thats why I like hanging out with you. When its you, when I'm being awkward, I don't feel awkward. I feel happy.

S, your one of my best friends. I love you, and out of this love, I keep this from you, because I know it will destroy something that can't be fixed for you. It also because of this love that I tell you to grow the fuck up, and get over him. He hurt you. He hurt your family. He threatened to kill me for crying out loud.

M...I care for you. I don't know if you were the one, but for me, you were the one right now. You know, I regret not having a relationship with you. I really do. You probably helped me the most in my life. You made me realize that I can have a shot at being normal. I realized that I'm not all that messed up as I think I am, and made me think that I should try to be happy, instead of making others happy. I know I really messed up with you, but I hope someday we can be friends again, and that I won't fuck it up this time.

CS. You are probably my best friend. You are my brother. You have your life on track. I wish I could be like you, because to me, your the best. However, I wish you would stop being a jerk to everyone, and try not to be so mean to strangers. Thats why a lot of my friends that know you dislike you, because you come off as a jerk. And Get a Girlfriend, that you care for, not just some random girl.

AS. We weren't close, but thats my fault. I hope you find happiness in what you do.

RS. Please. I know I'm just your idiot relative, but please, don't break apart from your family.

MW. You were probably the greatest influence in my life. The stuff you opened up my eyes to, were amazing and beautiful. Don't ever let it break our spirit. Your spirit will help guide people like me to try and lead a better life. I don't hope you'll get what you want, because your actions and our words, and how you live will get you it, no matter what.

CD. You made me realize that I am probably the worse person ever. You care for your friends. You go out of your way to make sure that they are okay. You try to be there if they let you to. My point is...I hope you get what you look for, though, like MW, I don't worry. You don't apologize if you don't deem it necessary, you know when to persevere and when to stop for the time being and do something else, and you live your life.

VMM. What can I say? You deal with a lot of stuff. I don't need you to deal with more. I don't blame you, I don't hate you, I think you'll be fine. You'll survive. You have people who care about you.

My sister...I'm sorry. You deserve to be spoiled by mom and dad. I love you, and I wish I was the best brother in the world to you, but I'm not, I never will be, and I hope that someday you'll forgive me.

mom, dad. I want you guys to be happy. I think, that with me gone from your daily lives, that it has. And I'm glad for that. I hope someday that I won't be a stress or a burden to you, because you have an important person to be there for.

I hope someday, that you all know how important you are to me, and how I wish I can show how important you are to me, and how I've tried to change my life because of you. But I can't, because all I can do is write random crap about how I feel about you guys. I can't do it musically, I can't do it in person, because my shyness really does cripple me over this stuff, and I wish it didn't.

Ethan

What do you want me to do...

It breaks my heart, what you do to me. You tell me how you love a man who threatened you, who still wants to kill you, just because he "loves" you. You tell me how he was our first for everything. That isn't love. its messed up.

You say I'm one of your best friends, so I beg you to listen to me. I want you to be happy. I really do. You don't know what I gave so that you would be happy. He would have gotten you anything you wanted? I wouldn't promise that, because, it would be an empty one.

He would always be there for you? Is that why he hurt you? Is that why he threatens you? Your family? Your friends?

I trust you. I believe you. When other people call you a slut, a whore, a crack head, I call them liars. Even my own family. You can hold a knife covered in blood, standing over a dead body, and say "I didn't do it," and I would side with you. If you asked me to, I would take the knife and say I did it.

I put aside my feelings for you. I do it, because, I know that if I ever act on those feelings, it would only cause you unhappiness, and I don't want that. I know I'll cause it.

So.

I've been thinking about her for the longest time.

I don't know what brought this up...

There's a number of terms for it. Fuck buddy (am I allowed to say that here...?), friends with benefits, whatever you wanna call it, you now know the topic. Your having sex with no connections.

I'm a guy, so I'm going to tell all the guys out there one thing: If you do this, I hope you die. This kind of stuff hurts a girl especially for those you KNOW can't deal with it. Now, you might think, that the girl should know, and she deserves what happens to her, whatever it is. That isn't true. Eventually, someone will get hurt.

This just floated into my mind recently...so yeah...

Okay so I lied, this didn't really just float into my mind. It's been on my mind for awhile, ever since I found out that my cousin was only seeing this girl just to get in her pants. He says it wasn't like that at first, that he had actual feelings for her at first, but then it DID devolve into that.

The reason I decided to actually talk about it is because a good friend of mine was hinting that she was in that kind of relationship, and they were really hurt as a result of the relationship.

Anyways...I don't know what else I can really talk about... ^^.