I love you. And I miss you. Goodbye.

Wanting something doesn't make it real. I know what it means now. Because What I want the most, I can't have, even if its something small.

I can't be your friend anymore. I don't know when I can be your friend, but certainly not right now.

I tried. I really did. But I can't. Your in my thoughts, at least once every hour. When I come back to my apartment, I can barely breath, because all I can remember is you, and that it would never work.

I would love to be the one who makes you happy. It would make me the happiest person on earth. I wish I could be enough for you.

I want you to be happy, and I wish I could be be there to witness your happiness. But I can't do that when I have the thoughts in my head about you. The thoughts that make me ashamed to even think.

I've realized, how much I based my happiness on my relationships. Even if they aren't that intimate, just friendships. I need to find my happiness in something other than my relationship with you.

How do normal people do it?

How do you get over it, when someone hurts you? Do you shoot a puppy? Do you punch an old lady and steal her purse? Do you wear meat instead of swimming trunks when your in shark infested waters? How? Because I honestly want to get this over with. I wish I can get over a girl easily, like my cousins. They sleep around a lot, but they don't get hung up on a girl. They don't get hurt if the girl dumps them. They miss sex, and thats the one thing I don't want a relationship to be about.

hm...

The past month, is one that I want to forget. Lots of bad things happened to me, A lot of stressful situations that I had to deal with that I really wish I didn't put myself into. It was a bad month.

It started off on a Thursday. I just hated that day. I don’t know why. It just felt like a potentially shitty day (and it was). Some personal feelings that I thought I took care of resurfaced, and I couldn’t deal with it. It was just really not what I wanted to deal with. I was feeling stressed from the night before (a midterm, on Wednesday) and I had another midterm coming up the next day (Friday). I would rather not mention anything else, but to sum it up, by the time I was done with classes, I felt betrayed by a good friend, unbelievably angsty over an issue with a friend of the opposite sex (I’m sure you can guess), and totally panicking over my midterm the following day.

I went back to my apartment. I went to talk with a friend with whom I kept a constant relationship with, who is also of the opposite sex. We lived in different cities, so we never really were able to meet up. We supported each other through times where we felt that stress was too much, when we needed a friend to talk to, when we had no one else to turn to. And I’m not going to lie. I had feelings for this friend that are not entirely just friendly.

Anyways, I was back at my apartment, feeling kind of stressed from the day, and kind of wanting to vent about my bad day. We started talking, and then she decided to drop a total bombshell.

My friend was in a “friends with benefits relationship” with someone in one of their classes. That’s how I see it; I’m not going to change my stand on it. The other person is a total fuck face for all I care. Whoops, getting off track...

But yeah, my friend told me this because they wanted me to know, and they wanted me to be okay with it. I had no choice. I had to accept. I knew my friend would probably get hurt. I knew they would go through with it regardless of what I had to say. I knew that I would end up being what they relied on for support if the shit hit the fan. I couldn’t just abandon my friend. It ended at that for the night.

That night...even though I said I would never drink alcohol the day before a test, I drank a significant amount, resulting with me being a little under the weather the next day. I don’t remember much, from that point...to about a week after that Thursday. I had two midterms for sure. One midterm I failed and the other I barely passed, though I failed on my standards.

But...I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy at all. I'm mostly unhappy that I lost my chance with her. I know that she has her needs. And sometimes, it can't be helped. Knowing this helped a little with the pain. But its not enough.

I can't speak to her at all anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk to her, without being a cruel bastard.