New Years Resolution.

My New Years Resolution is to destroy the person I once was. To destroy the person who is stupid enough to fall in love with you.

People tell me they cannot wait for me to show the world how much I shine. Well I'm sorry to say that the battery for that flashlight is gone. And the flashlight is going to be destroyed next year. Its going to be replaced by something that I swore I would never become.

Because The AGONY of being the person I am right now isn't worth being your friend.

I will lose the people close to me, but in the end, it won't matter, because I will never be hurt again. I don't want to lose you, but everything I do reminds me of you. And the hatred I have for the world grows each day as a result of this.

Ever since our talk, Every girl I meet I want to stab in the face with a soldering iron, And then twist. I call them whores. I hate them. And none of them deserve that. None of them. And for me to find any peace, I have to do this.

Don't worry though, because you never do. I'll be your friend. Just talk to me, and I'll be glad to be there.

God damn it.

You don't know how much I hate myself right now. The one time I feel the necessity for me to actually be selfish, I abandon you, and you get hurt.

It won't happen again. If it means sacrificing my mental health, I will be there for you until you ask me not to be.

You may not think that It is my fault, but it is. It will always be my fault.

I love you. And I miss you. Goodbye.

Wanting something doesn't make it real. I know what it means now. Because What I want the most, I can't have, even if its something small.

I can't be your friend anymore. I don't know when I can be your friend, but certainly not right now.

I tried. I really did. But I can't. Your in my thoughts, at least once every hour. When I come back to my apartment, I can barely breath, because all I can remember is you, and that it would never work.

I would love to be the one who makes you happy. It would make me the happiest person on earth. I wish I could be enough for you.

I want you to be happy, and I wish I could be be there to witness your happiness. But I can't do that when I have the thoughts in my head about you. The thoughts that make me ashamed to even think.

I've realized, how much I based my happiness on my relationships. Even if they aren't that intimate, just friendships. I need to find my happiness in something other than my relationship with you.

How do normal people do it?

How do you get over it, when someone hurts you? Do you shoot a puppy? Do you punch an old lady and steal her purse? Do you wear meat instead of swimming trunks when your in shark infested waters? How? Because I honestly want to get this over with. I wish I can get over a girl easily, like my cousins. They sleep around a lot, but they don't get hung up on a girl. They don't get hurt if the girl dumps them. They miss sex, and thats the one thing I don't want a relationship to be about.

hm...

The past month, is one that I want to forget. Lots of bad things happened to me, A lot of stressful situations that I had to deal with that I really wish I didn't put myself into. It was a bad month.

It started off on a Thursday. I just hated that day. I don’t know why. It just felt like a potentially shitty day (and it was). Some personal feelings that I thought I took care of resurfaced, and I couldn’t deal with it. It was just really not what I wanted to deal with. I was feeling stressed from the night before (a midterm, on Wednesday) and I had another midterm coming up the next day (Friday). I would rather not mention anything else, but to sum it up, by the time I was done with classes, I felt betrayed by a good friend, unbelievably angsty over an issue with a friend of the opposite sex (I’m sure you can guess), and totally panicking over my midterm the following day.

I went back to my apartment. I went to talk with a friend with whom I kept a constant relationship with, who is also of the opposite sex. We lived in different cities, so we never really were able to meet up. We supported each other through times where we felt that stress was too much, when we needed a friend to talk to, when we had no one else to turn to. And I’m not going to lie. I had feelings for this friend that are not entirely just friendly.

Anyways, I was back at my apartment, feeling kind of stressed from the day, and kind of wanting to vent about my bad day. We started talking, and then she decided to drop a total bombshell.

My friend was in a “friends with benefits relationship” with someone in one of their classes. That’s how I see it; I’m not going to change my stand on it. The other person is a total fuck face for all I care. Whoops, getting off track...

But yeah, my friend told me this because they wanted me to know, and they wanted me to be okay with it. I had no choice. I had to accept. I knew my friend would probably get hurt. I knew they would go through with it regardless of what I had to say. I knew that I would end up being what they relied on for support if the shit hit the fan. I couldn’t just abandon my friend. It ended at that for the night.

That night...even though I said I would never drink alcohol the day before a test, I drank a significant amount, resulting with me being a little under the weather the next day. I don’t remember much, from that point...to about a week after that Thursday. I had two midterms for sure. One midterm I failed and the other I barely passed, though I failed on my standards.

But...I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy at all. I'm mostly unhappy that I lost my chance with her. I know that she has her needs. And sometimes, it can't be helped. Knowing this helped a little with the pain. But its not enough.

I can't speak to her at all anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk to her, without being a cruel bastard.

I don't care for a stupid title.

I can't do it. I won't hurt you.


If it breaks my heart, I will let it break my heart. I want you to be happy. I love you. If you feel this will make you happy, then I won't do anything.

I was blinded by my feelings for you. I misread what you were trying to tell me. And for that, I am truly sorry.

I don't think I can be a good friend to you for awhile. I hope you understand. I love you, but talking to you hurts, anything that deals with you hurts. And I hope you someday forgive me for abandoning you.

Something I can never tell you face to face, because I want you to be happy.

I think your being stupid. I think your making the worst mistake in your life. I think that you need to think with your head, and not with your fucking vagina, you stupid-ARGH.


You got HURT over this in the past, and your DOING IT AGAIN. WHY?! SO YOU HAVE SOME PHYSICAL GRATIFICATION?!


Yes, I've never experienced it, so I don't know how hard it is not to have sex on a regular basis. Yes, I don't know how much you miss it sometimes. Yes I want you to be happy. But I know how hurt you were last time when you were in that relationship. I had to be your shoulder to cry on. I hope to God that your not gonna cry on my shoulder again, because I don't want to talk to you at this point, and I really don't care if your hurting.


You also said you needed this, that its not just about the sex this time. Well I'm sorry to say this is exactly for the sex. If he truly cared for you, WHY does he want to discuss sex before you make it official?


I want you to be happy. I want to be your friend when your happy. I want you to go into...Whatever the fuck you want to call that stupid thing with that guy is, with a light heart, knowing that I'm not disappointed in you. I want you to be FUCKING HAPPY, AND NOT FUCKING HURT ME ANYMORE. I am SOOO mad with the decision you've made. I do not understand WHY you would still do this to yourself. So yeah.


I want to be a good friend by letting you chase your happiness. I also am being the worst friend in the world, because I can't tell you that I'm so unhappy with what you've done. But so be it. What's done is done.


I won't be surprised if the guy hurt you again. If you get hurt again. I'll do what you want me to. I'll be your shoulder to cry on. I'll be the pillar of support that you need to rest upon. I will be your best friend.


And in return, I will sacrifice whats left of my heart. I'm not gonna feel anymore. I don't want to connect to anyone. I don't want to be hurt anymore on the off chance that I will get a happy ending. Those won't happen. You've proven that to me. So I want you to be happy. Live your life to the fullest, and don't look back. So long as you don't suffer, life is good, right?


Not me. I'm done with chasing my happiness. I'm done with wearing my heart on a sleeve. I'm done with getting my heart broken time after time. I'm done. Thank you so much for helping me realize this. Thank you so much for deciding that getting some sexual gratification is better than your fucking sanity.

Thank you, FOR ASKING ME IF I WAS ALRIGHT WITH IT. BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T FUCK THE DUDE WITHOUT MY APPROVAL. THANK YOU FOR NOT WANTING TO DISAPPOINT ME. BECAUSE THATS GONNA HELP ME SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

Hum...

I can't sleep right now. Wish there was someone to talk to, but there isn't.

Anyways. Just finished hanging out with my friends. And...I don't know. I just found out what happened to two of them. I feel so unhappy, because I saw it coming, but I didn't say a thing.

Does it make me a bad person? To know that they were making the same mistakes I made, and yet let them continue?

I don't know. I really don't. I know that I said I would care for myself more, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by what I just found out.

Anyways...Idk...

I've just read a book today...

I've read a book today. Its not really for someone my age, but it really stuck to me, one of the quotes.

The book is called The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky, and its a book about an American high school freshman, who narrates the stories in the form of letters, being written and sent to some unknown receiver.

The Teenager, Charlie starts off by talking about the recent suicide of what appears to be a friend, just before the start of the new school year. As the book progresses, it talks about Charlie making friends with a new group of people, who accept him, for all the quirks that he appears to have.

As I continued reading the book, I felt like I was connecting with Charlie, because while I did not show myself to overly emotional, nor was I traumatized like Charlie was, I went through most of my life confused.

I still do go through my life confused, actually. The reason I wanted to talk about this book is that, there is this quote that made me realize what I was doing with my life. The quote is as follows:

“I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.”

The reason this quote really sticks with me is because, all my life, I’m living for someone else. And it scares me, because I think it’s for this reason that I may end up doing what Charlie’s friend did. So I don’t want to live my life for someone else anymore. At least not right now. I want to live my life first.


Anyways, that’s just how I feel. I just want to thank my friend, CW, for recommending this book for me to read.

New Years Resolution April (part 2), May, June

Haven't been on for awhile, don't really have an excuse for that, since I've been at school for the past months so...^^.

Anyways, for the month of April, I listened to Turin Brakes. Like Frank Black, Turin Brakes has been in the industry for awhile. They are a duo of musicians from London. Their music is considered modern folk. The CD of theirs is Outbursts. I can't really say much about it, because I really can't put into words what I feel about it.

Next up is Teenage Fanclub's Shadows sounds a little too much like Belle & Sebastian. Not that B&S is bad, its just I've listened to them in the past and it doesn't feel new. )=.

Next is Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, with their self titled debut album. I don't know what to say about them, really. There style of music to me seems totally random, and doesn't really focus on a genre of music. I feel its country one time, then the next its really jazzy.

Anyways, this is probably my last post for awhile. I'll have to listen to 3 artists by the time September Rolls around. X_X.

New Years Resolution: April Music Artists (Part 1),

Since Vampire Weekend's Contra only had 10 songs (for some reason, 3 songs were on the list twice, lol), I decided to listen to two different artists.

First off is Frank Black's, AKA Black Francis' new album NonStopErotik. Frank Black isn't new to the industry, but I have only just discovered him recently, and what a discovery it was.

The style of the music is, I think, alternative, but what amazes me, and makes me love this album is the fact that the music is so mixed. For example, The first track "Lake of Sin," starts off with a little upbeat, then, in an instant, the song seems to take on a heavy metalish sound. And when the singing starts, I thought it was Anthony Kiedis, (its not, but it sounds a lot like him). When it switches to the second track, "Oh My Tidy Sums," it surprised me, because it turns out to be mellow, and pretty laid back, totally unlike the first song.

Another thing this song, if you listen to the Lyrics, you find that a majority of the songs talk about sex, hence the title of the album.

As a favorite song, it would probably be "Six Legged Man" Which, reminds me of a certain 80s song, that I never really found out the name or Artist for.

Thats it for now. FINALS TO STUDY FOR, LOL.

News Years Resolution: March Music Artist. And other news.

Okay. So, for the month of February, I listened to a band called Lady Antebellum. They're a country band. Don't really listen to country because I never really gave it a chance, so It was no surprise (to me anyways), that I liked them. Its hard to describe it. What really got me into it is their guitarist. Its not overly complex, pretty simple, and very country, yet it sounds great and it will probably make them more distinguishable for me in the future.

For March, I will be listening to a band called vampire week end. They're an indie band that came out in 2008, and I just recently heard talk about them on the interwebs and the radio, so I've decided to use them for my next artist.

This is all for now. Going to go look for some way to pass out.

News Years Resolution: February Music Artist. And other news.

Okay. So, Animal collective is WAY messed up. Like Really messed up. Especially for me. Real Estate...I didn't get to listen to them, because I promised my friend I would listen to Leona Lewis, Who, I have heard of in passing, never listened to. I liked her surprisingly, even though her music wasn't what I was into.

For February, I have an artist I've never heard of, because of the genre that they fall under. They are Lady Antebellum and they're country. Now, I don't have anything against country. They released a new album last month, so I'm looking forward to listening to them.

I don't know. I'm sorry. I really am. I want to move past you. But, you've been part of my life for a good chunk of it. I wish I can move past you, I wish I had another girl that I have the same feelings for. But I don't. I want too see you so badly right now, but I know that if I do, I'll ruin stuff again. I don't want that.

*shrug*

I like other girls. But I personally think it would be awkward for me to suddenly ask them out.

Its time...

I don't know if I want to do what you asked me, ML. I will though.

I'll find another girl for me for you.

I want you to know, that I will always care for you. You will always be my friend, regardless of whatever happens in the future.

SO.

I have no clue how to ask out a girl...any suggestions?

This has been a long time coming.

You know why I'm such a pussy shit? Because I don't wanna lose the things I have.

I'm not like most people. I don't think You FUCKING understand that yet. I'm not like most people. I don't know how to interact with people. I've tried, and it always fails. I just try to stay quiet and keep to myself as a result.

I don't think like most people. I can't. I've tried. I've been called stupid enough times to do that.

I want to think like everyone else so bad. You know why? So I can stop hating everything in my life. I hate my family, because they hate each other, over what I think is stupid things. I hate my friends, who only know how to insult me, and never let me explain my reasoning.

I want to be normal. I'm not normal. I don't think normally. I don't. I really don't. You don't understand, and trust me, when I say this, every God damn person in my life won't understand.

You know what my father always asks me? "Why don't you think?" "Why don't you use your common sense?" Fuck you. I know how to think. I DO use common sense. I just don't think like you or most people. I don't have common sense like common sense. You always compare me to C, but don't you realize that I can't be like him? no matter how hard I wanna be like that, I can't.

Maybe its the liquor talking. I don't think it is. This always floats in my mind, when people call me a failure. When people call me stupid.

I deserve to be called stupid sometimes. Because I do stupid shit. And I don't mean to, but I sometimes call people stupid.

I know I'm weird. for fuck sakes, I look at a girls neck, and think "She really is cute." That's not fucking normal. I don't look at a girls chest. I actually force myself to, just to see the point of it. I don't understand WHY.

And I have a couple of things to say to people...mostly to girls...here goes...

E, your a good friend. I care for you. I don't want my past feelings for you to make shit awkward. I know they will. That is why, I won't listen to anything VMM has to say. Thats why I like hanging out with you. When its you, when I'm being awkward, I don't feel awkward. I feel happy.

S, your one of my best friends. I love you, and out of this love, I keep this from you, because I know it will destroy something that can't be fixed for you. It also because of this love that I tell you to grow the fuck up, and get over him. He hurt you. He hurt your family. He threatened to kill me for crying out loud.

M...I care for you. I don't know if you were the one, but for me, you were the one right now. You know, I regret not having a relationship with you. I really do. You probably helped me the most in my life. You made me realize that I can have a shot at being normal. I realized that I'm not all that messed up as I think I am, and made me think that I should try to be happy, instead of making others happy. I know I really messed up with you, but I hope someday we can be friends again, and that I won't fuck it up this time.

CS. You are probably my best friend. You are my brother. You have your life on track. I wish I could be like you, because to me, your the best. However, I wish you would stop being a jerk to everyone, and try not to be so mean to strangers. Thats why a lot of my friends that know you dislike you, because you come off as a jerk. And Get a Girlfriend, that you care for, not just some random girl.

AS. We weren't close, but thats my fault. I hope you find happiness in what you do.

RS. Please. I know I'm just your idiot relative, but please, don't break apart from your family.

MW. You were probably the greatest influence in my life. The stuff you opened up my eyes to, were amazing and beautiful. Don't ever let it break our spirit. Your spirit will help guide people like me to try and lead a better life. I don't hope you'll get what you want, because your actions and our words, and how you live will get you it, no matter what.

CD. You made me realize that I am probably the worse person ever. You care for your friends. You go out of your way to make sure that they are okay. You try to be there if they let you to. My point is...I hope you get what you look for, though, like MW, I don't worry. You don't apologize if you don't deem it necessary, you know when to persevere and when to stop for the time being and do something else, and you live your life.

VMM. What can I say? You deal with a lot of stuff. I don't need you to deal with more. I don't blame you, I don't hate you, I think you'll be fine. You'll survive. You have people who care about you.

My sister...I'm sorry. You deserve to be spoiled by mom and dad. I love you, and I wish I was the best brother in the world to you, but I'm not, I never will be, and I hope that someday you'll forgive me.

mom, dad. I want you guys to be happy. I think, that with me gone from your daily lives, that it has. And I'm glad for that. I hope someday that I won't be a stress or a burden to you, because you have an important person to be there for.

I hope someday, that you all know how important you are to me, and how I wish I can show how important you are to me, and how I've tried to change my life because of you. But I can't, because all I can do is write random crap about how I feel about you guys. I can't do it musically, I can't do it in person, because my shyness really does cripple me over this stuff, and I wish it didn't.

Ethan

What do you want me to do...

It breaks my heart, what you do to me. You tell me how you love a man who threatened you, who still wants to kill you, just because he "loves" you. You tell me how he was our first for everything. That isn't love. its messed up.

You say I'm one of your best friends, so I beg you to listen to me. I want you to be happy. I really do. You don't know what I gave so that you would be happy. He would have gotten you anything you wanted? I wouldn't promise that, because, it would be an empty one.

He would always be there for you? Is that why he hurt you? Is that why he threatens you? Your family? Your friends?

I trust you. I believe you. When other people call you a slut, a whore, a crack head, I call them liars. Even my own family. You can hold a knife covered in blood, standing over a dead body, and say "I didn't do it," and I would side with you. If you asked me to, I would take the knife and say I did it.

I put aside my feelings for you. I do it, because, I know that if I ever act on those feelings, it would only cause you unhappiness, and I don't want that. I know I'll cause it.

So.

I've been thinking about her for the longest time.

I don't know what brought this up...

There's a number of terms for it. Fuck buddy (am I allowed to say that here...?), friends with benefits, whatever you wanna call it, you now know the topic. Your having sex with no connections.

I'm a guy, so I'm going to tell all the guys out there one thing: If you do this, I hope you die. This kind of stuff hurts a girl especially for those you KNOW can't deal with it. Now, you might think, that the girl should know, and she deserves what happens to her, whatever it is. That isn't true. Eventually, someone will get hurt.

This just floated into my mind recently...so yeah...

Okay so I lied, this didn't really just float into my mind. It's been on my mind for awhile, ever since I found out that my cousin was only seeing this girl just to get in her pants. He says it wasn't like that at first, that he had actual feelings for her at first, but then it DID devolve into that.

The reason I decided to actually talk about it is because a good friend of mine was hinting that she was in that kind of relationship, and they were really hurt as a result of the relationship.

Anyways...I don't know what else I can really talk about... ^^.