Another Post, same old, same old.

Its been over 4 months.  I wanted to be happy when I got to this point.  But I'm not.  It hurt so much.  What happened.  It hurts that I can't even think about her without pain.  Pain from when I was rejected, pain from not being a good enough friend, pain from...Not getting over her.  I love her.  I really do.

The pain...It hits me, and it feels almost physical.  It leaves me short of breath, makes me see nothing.  It sucks out all hope of ever being...Normal.

I wish...I wish I was an asshole.  It wouldn't hurt as much.  I wouldn't give a shit about what people think, if they hurt me.

Music...It used to be an escape.  Nothing hurt me as much, because music made me forget, somehow.  Its changed, because all music reminds me is that I had such a special relationship with her about it.

These songs...I listen to them the most for reasons that I will explain:

1. Wait it out by Imogen Heap-I've been listening to this one to try and remind myself that eventually, I will get over her.  That it won't hurt, as much, and I can go back to being her  friend.
2. Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis-So that when I look back...I won't be angry.  That I shouldn't blame her for what happened.
3. Challengers by The New Pornographers-To make me realize that you will be with someone else.  And...maybe someday, I'll be able to move on.
4. Us by Regina Spektor-To remind me of what I'm letting go, and that I shouldn't.

Most of the other music I listen to, because they are sad songs (to me), and Somehow, make me feel less hurt.

I hope that, in the near future, I talk about something normal.

This is a Message to Someone, I hope they find it and read it.

I read your damn article.  Don't ever give that to me again.

I know I have problems.  I know that.  You think I don't?

I hate every God damn part of myself, because I cannot get over her.  And I know I will have a problem until I figure the fuck out what I can do to fix it.

I'm going to be fine.  I am trying to remember that I can be happy, and she wasn't the reason behind that happiness.  This is not helped by the fact that I remember that I WANTED to make her happy, and share in her happiness.  Nor does it help that I feeling like shooting myself because I'm not even there to listen to her NORMAL PROBLEMS, LIKE A REAL FRIEND SHOULD, but on top of that, I have to worry about being the guy who only listens to her rant about her boyfriend or whatever she calls it now.

I'm trying not to turn into the "Nice Guy"  That she ranted about.  Its already started, but I'm trying to prevent it from continuing.  So leave me alone, and let me be the guy I want to be.

I'm not going to be an asshole, because its not me.  But I'm not going to be the guy who is strung along by a girl so she has a second choice.