Hello blag. Nice to see you again.

It has been awhile since I have typed anything here.  I would like to think that I have changed, but when I reflect on everything that has happened between now and my last post, I realize that little has changed.

I'm still hurting.  I still cry sometimes.  I still feel like my world isn't staying together anymore.

And yet...I feel that I can finally move on.  Like actually move on.  And it isn't just suddenly.  Its been gradual, since the beginning of 2012.

The biggest change is getting back into things that make me happy.  Listening to music.  Watching movies, eating foods that I couldn't before.

Doing these things made me realize how I missed my old habits, my old hobbies, it gives brings to me, one of the best feelings ever.

Just wanted to get that thought out there.

Hope you all have fun.

Another Post, same old, same old.

Its been over 4 months.  I wanted to be happy when I got to this point.  But I'm not.  It hurt so much.  What happened.  It hurts that I can't even think about her without pain.  Pain from when I was rejected, pain from not being a good enough friend, pain from...Not getting over her.  I love her.  I really do.

The pain...It hits me, and it feels almost physical.  It leaves me short of breath, makes me see nothing.  It sucks out all hope of ever being...Normal.

I wish...I wish I was an asshole.  It wouldn't hurt as much.  I wouldn't give a shit about what people think, if they hurt me.

Music...It used to be an escape.  Nothing hurt me as much, because music made me forget, somehow.  Its changed, because all music reminds me is that I had such a special relationship with her about it.

These songs...I listen to them the most for reasons that I will explain:

1. Wait it out by Imogen Heap-I've been listening to this one to try and remind myself that eventually, I will get over her.  That it won't hurt, as much, and I can go back to being her  friend.
2. Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis-So that when I look back...I won't be angry.  That I shouldn't blame her for what happened.
3. Challengers by The New Pornographers-To make me realize that you will be with someone else.  And...maybe someday, I'll be able to move on.
4. Us by Regina Spektor-To remind me of what I'm letting go, and that I shouldn't.

Most of the other music I listen to, because they are sad songs (to me), and Somehow, make me feel less hurt.

I hope that, in the near future, I talk about something normal.

This is a Message to Someone, I hope they find it and read it.

I read your damn article.  Don't ever give that to me again.

I know I have problems.  I know that.  You think I don't?

I hate every God damn part of myself, because I cannot get over her.  And I know I will have a problem until I figure the fuck out what I can do to fix it.

I'm going to be fine.  I am trying to remember that I can be happy, and she wasn't the reason behind that happiness.  This is not helped by the fact that I remember that I WANTED to make her happy, and share in her happiness.  Nor does it help that I feeling like shooting myself because I'm not even there to listen to her NORMAL PROBLEMS, LIKE A REAL FRIEND SHOULD, but on top of that, I have to worry about being the guy who only listens to her rant about her boyfriend or whatever she calls it now.

I'm trying not to turn into the "Nice Guy"  That she ranted about.  Its already started, but I'm trying to prevent it from continuing.  So leave me alone, and let me be the guy I want to be.

I'm not going to be an asshole, because its not me.  But I'm not going to be the guy who is strung along by a girl so she has a second choice.

New Years Resolution.

My New Years Resolution is to destroy the person I once was. To destroy the person who is stupid enough to fall in love with you.

People tell me they cannot wait for me to show the world how much I shine. Well I'm sorry to say that the battery for that flashlight is gone. And the flashlight is going to be destroyed next year. Its going to be replaced by something that I swore I would never become.

Because The AGONY of being the person I am right now isn't worth being your friend.

I will lose the people close to me, but in the end, it won't matter, because I will never be hurt again. I don't want to lose you, but everything I do reminds me of you. And the hatred I have for the world grows each day as a result of this.

Ever since our talk, Every girl I meet I want to stab in the face with a soldering iron, And then twist. I call them whores. I hate them. And none of them deserve that. None of them. And for me to find any peace, I have to do this.

Don't worry though, because you never do. I'll be your friend. Just talk to me, and I'll be glad to be there.

God damn it.

You don't know how much I hate myself right now. The one time I feel the necessity for me to actually be selfish, I abandon you, and you get hurt.

It won't happen again. If it means sacrificing my mental health, I will be there for you until you ask me not to be.

You may not think that It is my fault, but it is. It will always be my fault.

I love you. And I miss you. Goodbye.

Wanting something doesn't make it real. I know what it means now. Because What I want the most, I can't have, even if its something small.

I can't be your friend anymore. I don't know when I can be your friend, but certainly not right now.

I tried. I really did. But I can't. Your in my thoughts, at least once every hour. When I come back to my apartment, I can barely breath, because all I can remember is you, and that it would never work.

I would love to be the one who makes you happy. It would make me the happiest person on earth. I wish I could be enough for you.

I want you to be happy, and I wish I could be be there to witness your happiness. But I can't do that when I have the thoughts in my head about you. The thoughts that make me ashamed to even think.

I've realized, how much I based my happiness on my relationships. Even if they aren't that intimate, just friendships. I need to find my happiness in something other than my relationship with you.

How do normal people do it?

How do you get over it, when someone hurts you? Do you shoot a puppy? Do you punch an old lady and steal her purse? Do you wear meat instead of swimming trunks when your in shark infested waters? How? Because I honestly want to get this over with. I wish I can get over a girl easily, like my cousins. They sleep around a lot, but they don't get hung up on a girl. They don't get hurt if the girl dumps them. They miss sex, and thats the one thing I don't want a relationship to be about.